Thomas Knierim
7th July 2009, 09:43 AM
I wrote this two weeks ago. I guess, you would have to know Kevin Solway in order for this to make sense, but I'll post it anyway for your entertainment...
---
Kevin is floating above his body. Then he feels an upward pull and starts moving away. There is a dark tunnel and there is a white light at the end of the tunnel. Kevin keeps moving. As the light gets closer he notices a humanoid figure with wings in the light.
Kevin: “Ay mate! Yes, you in the white robes. Say, when is this goin' to wear off?”
Angel (perplexed): “What do you mean?”
Kevin: “Well, this experience. I'm dead am I? This is a hallucinaition, right?”
Angel: “Yes and no, Kevin, you have passed into the spirit world. I am here to welcome you.”
Kevin: “This cain't be. You are a farkin hallucinaition.”
Angel: “If you think so, why do you ask me questions?”
Kevin: “Good point. But, what's it with the wings? I don't believe in angels. I'm not even a farkin Christian.”
Angel: “Well, let me check the list. It says here: Kevin Solway, born 1961 in Guernsey, Christian. We always send angels when they say 'Christian'.”
Kevin: “Ah, forget about it. This cain't be.”
Angel: “There is somebody else here to see you.”
A second luminous figure appears. At first it doesn't have any distinguishable features. When the figure comes closer, Kevin sees a mustache. A really big mustache.
Kevin: “What the fark... Nietzsche? Is he fair dinkum?”
Nietzsche (makes a dramatic gesture): “Behold dear friend, and let not the appearances cloud your reason. Did I not teach eternal recurrence?”
Kevin: “Yes, but what hais this to do with... am I dreaming?”
Nietzsche: “No, you are not. Zis is the world of spirits. I didn't get zat kwite right in my books either. Don't let it confuse you.”
Kevin: “I'm gobsmacked.”
Nietzsche: “Ha, Kinkerlitz. Do you know who velcomed me here ven I checked in? God himself. And do you know vat he zaid? He zaid: 'Guess who's dead now, Friedrich?' It vas such an embarrassment.”
Kevin: “Don't gimme the raw prawn! You spoke to God? What is he like?”
Nietzsche: “I must tell you, zis is something else I didn't get kwite right. God is love. I vish I could edit my books. I zink I published prematurely.”
Kevin: “Ah but love is an illusion. Love is opiate. So you were right after all.”
Nietzsche: “I didn't say that. Karl said zat.”
Kevin: “Karl Marx? He is here, too?”
Nietzsche (grinning): “No, Karl is not here. Ze old one send him back. Zaid he got some karma to work on.”
Kevin: “This cain't be, mate. Hais everyone gone troppo here?”
A male voice in the background: “Don't worry about Karl. He is doing fine.”
The voice comes closer: “He is in his fourth proletarian incarnation right now. Works in a factory in Guangzhou.”
Suddenly a figure materialises with a loud “pop” right in front of Kevin. It's Jesus.
Jesus: “Gotcha!”
Kevin: “Jesus Christ!”
Jesus: “At your service.”
Kevin: “Oh my...”
Jesus: “God? No, you're confusing me with someone else.”
Kevin: “I know, but I thought you were different.”
Jesus: “Oh wait wait...” (transforms himself into a bearded sage in white robes). “Like this?”
Kevin: “Yeah. That's more Jesus-like.”
Jesus: “Kevin, you have a square taste. That's so bourgois. Hey, look at this. You will probably like this...”
A body of water materialises under Jesus feet and Jesus starts tap-dancing on its surface. After a while, a thundering voice from above proclaims: “That is not necessary.” The water suddenly disappears and Jesus stumbles.
Jesus: “Oops. Father doesn't like me doing that. Too many Bible references that people don't buy.”
Kevin: “What's it with you and God?”
Jesus: “Oh, I am a gnostic.”
Kevin: “Agnostic? Are you telling me croc, mate?”
Jesus: “No, I mean a gnostic. Read my lips. A gnostic. Like in gnosticism.”
Kevin: “Oh. But I thought gnosticism is dead.”
Jesus: “Yeah, thanks to Paul. He screwed it up. He and the Roman church.”
Kevin: “Sorry to hear that things didn't work out.”
Jesus: “I revolutionised gnosticism. I created a synthesis with Judaism. I got rid of dualism. It made perfect sense. And then comes Paul with his rubbish.” (shakes his fist)
Kevin: “You know, I never bought into that.”
Jesus: “Good on you, my friend.” - turns his head around- “Oh wait, someone else is coming.”
Jesus (whispers into Nietzsche's ear): “I'd be gone if I were you.”
A female figure materialises from a reddish-pink cloud of energy.
Kevin (astonished): “Judith?”
Judith (turns to Nietzsche): “What are you still doing here, jerk? Haven't you whipped enough women for one lifetime? Get lost!”
Nietzsche (dissolving): “I must go now, my friend. We shall meet again.”
Judith (resolute): “Step forward. This is between you and me.”
Kevin: “Why are you raising your arm?”
Judith (slaps Kevin): “That's for leaving me and going to Australia.”
Kevin (holding his cheek): “But Judith, why so cranky, let me explain...”
Judith (slaps Kevin again): “And that's for what you wrote about women.”
Kevin: “Enough.”
Jesus (exited): “Kevin, you are doing great. Do not resist. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if someone wants to take your tunic..”
Kevin (clasping his garment): “Enough, she is not getting my tunic!”
Judith: “Oh really? Let's see about that.” (evil grin)
Jesus: “Judith, remember what the sages told you?”
Judith: “Alright, alright. Control my anger. I am one with the universe.”
Kevin: “You have sages around here?”
Jesus: “Sure thing, Kevin. Want to meet them?”
Kevin: “Ah yes, that would be bonzer.”
Jesus: “Anyone in particular?”
Kevin: “Well, err... the Buddha, Hakuin, Bodhi...”
Jesus: “The Eastern lads? Alrighty. They are all over in Tushita. Did you get a visa?”
Kevin (perplexed): “A visa?”
Jesus: “Yes, you need a visa for Tushita. Depends on your karmic points, you know. They are pretty strict at Tushita immigration. Did you do your life review yet?”
Kevin: “Is that karma thing for real?”
Jesus: “Oh boy, you didn't get the visa, did you?”
Judith (hissing): “He wouldn't even get a visa for hell.”
Jesus (whispering): “Don't worry about her. It's not true. Everyone gets a free entry stamp at the hell gates. They are trying to increase tourism, you know.”
Kevin: “Fark! This is not a hallucinaition, is it? It's not wearing off.”
Jesus: “Still confused, Kevin? Come on, let's do your life review.”
Kevin: “Ah yes. Let's have a Captain Cook.”
Jesus: “What has the captain got to do with it?”
Kevin: “I mean let's have a look. You don't get too many people from down-under here, do you?”
Jesus: “From where?”
Kevin “Forget it, mate.”
Jesus and Kevin begin to float towards the intercelestial expressway. As they move downwards, Judith uses her anger to create a thought form. The thought form materialises into a little black cloud that follows Kevin.
Judith: “See you next life, dork!”
Kevin (staring at the little black cloud above his head): “Should I be worried about that?”
Jesus: “Oh my... (pause), I mean...., no, that's nothing to worry about.”
Kevin: “I have the feeling you are not straightforward about this.”
Jesus: “Look Kevin, I am Jesus Christ, your Saviour. You can trust me. Just don't mention her name.”
Kevin: “Judith's name?”
A tiny flash of lightning strikes Kevin from the cloud. The cloud rumbles.
Kevin: “Ouch.”
Jesus (upset): “What did I just tell you?”
Kevin (exclaims with smoke coming from his head): “How am I supposed to know? I am a highly logical thinker, and this is all very illogical.”
Jesus: “Now look, you have to trust me here. You are still in the astral world. Thought forms can materialise easily. - I'm afraid you lost some facial hair. - Come, let's move on.”
As they enter the intercelestial expressway, their energy bodies accelerate. Countless souls travel on the expressway. The light that emanates from them causes the spacetime fabric to glow and produce a kaleidoscopic display of colours. Meanwhile, the little black cloud has become stationary above Kevin's head.
Kevin: “Can we do anything about that?” (points to the cloud)
Jesus: “Yes, you can. This is what we call a female fury form. You can dissolve it with your will.”
Kevin knits his brows and with all his might he imagines himself being Schopenhauer commanding the cloud to disappear.
Kevin: “By the power of my will, I banish you from my life, evil cloud.”
Jesus (chuckles): “It doesn't work that way.”
Kevin: “I command you to...”
Jesus: “You have to send it loving kindness. Recite poetry. Be warm and gentle.”
Kevin (shoulders sinking): “Fark! I rather keep it.”
Jesus: “Don't worry. It will go away after some time. The loving energy from your female side will eventually dissolve it.”
Kevin: “Nuts! I have a feeling this will be permanent.”
Jesus: “Don't be gloomy, Kevin. We are getting off here to do your life review.”
As Kevin and Jesus decelerate, the space around them takes on a blue colour almost like the sky on earth. A large metallic structure comes into view.
Jesus: “Check it out, Kevin. This is the Memorax 3550. It was just installed last month.”
Jesus walks around the machine which is about as large as a one-storey home. The machine appears to glow with a sparkling purple energy.
Jesus (pointing to different parts of the machine): “Retrospective neural coupling, quadruple ionised plasma display, parallel past life processing, high-speed akashic database access, self-adapting mental renderer, emotion amplifier, holographic karma visualizer...”
Kevin: “Alright, alright, what it that all good for?”
Jesus: “Well, it's an intra-mental cinematic life reviewer. Our customers love it. Try it out, take a ride.” (makes an inviting gesture)
Kevin enters a semi-transparent cabin at the front of the machine. The cabin faces several glass-like displays. He sits down. Nothing happens. He waits for another minute. Still nothing happens.
Kevin: “Is it broken?”
Jesus: “You have to insert a coin.”
Kevin retrieves a coin from his tunic and forces it down the silver slit. The purple glow around the machine suddenly turns into a bright yellow and the glass monitors come to life. They show scenes from Kevin's birth. Different monitors show the same event from different perspectives, including the doctor's perspective, the nurse's perspective, and Kevin's own perspective. A seemingly endless stream of images, perceptions, and feelings begins to enter Kevin's mind.
In the meantime Jesus waits outside, quietly meditating. After what seems a small eternity, a ruffled Kevin emerges from the cabin. The machine reverts back to a steady purple glow.
Jesus (excited): “How was it?”
Kevin: “Oh it was... errr..., it was...”
Jesus: “Are you overwhelmed?”
Kevin: “Over..? No, not really. It was... err... I didn't get it all.”
Jesus: “Too much for you?”
Kevin: “No, I kind of dozed off during my early teens. Didn't catch the rest.”
Jesus (gasping): “You did what?”
Kevin: “It got boring. The images kept repeating. I felt sleepy.”
Jesus: “I can't believe you missed your life review! Was your life that boring?”
Kevin: “I don't know. I just...”
Jesus: “So you dozed off... The last time this happened was 1843 B.C. when Arumnat checked in from Egypt. He was the feline caretaker under pharaoh Senusret. He spent all of his life brushing the pharaoh's cats fur.”
Kevin: “What hais this to do with me?”
Jesus: “Did you get at least your life mission evaluation?”
Kevin: “Ah yes, my life mission was to promote logical masculine thinking among mankind.”
Jesus: “Let me check the Memorax output.” (he retrieves a metallic hologram from the machine and reads it.)
Jesus: “That was not your mission.”
Kevin: “It was not?”
Jesus: “No, you life mission was to write ten million words to practice orthography and grammar.”
Kevin: “Say what?”
Jesus: “It was a preparation training for one of your future lives as a cookbook editor. Though I can now understand why you got tired in the Memorax.”
Kevin: “No, this cain't be. I'm not a farkin cookbook editor. I'm a philosopher. A thinker.”
Jesus: “I know how you feel, Kevin. You've been programmed to think you are a thinker. Otherwise you wouldn't have practised writing. You need to follow me to the deprogramming centre.”
Kevin (defiant): “But I don't want to write cookbooks.”
Jesus: “Take it easy. You will make great merit in that life. You will touch the lives of millions of housewives. They will love you. You will become the leading author on Béchamel and Velouté sauces.”
Kevin: “That sounds mighty depressing, mate.”
Jesus: “You did very well, Kevin! In fact, you exceeded expectations by writing almost eleven million words. You didn't fulfill the other mission, however.”
Kevin: “What other mission?”
Jesus: “To marry Judith. It explains that little black cloud over your head, doesn't it?” (smiles)
---
Kevin is floating above his body. Then he feels an upward pull and starts moving away. There is a dark tunnel and there is a white light at the end of the tunnel. Kevin keeps moving. As the light gets closer he notices a humanoid figure with wings in the light.
Kevin: “Ay mate! Yes, you in the white robes. Say, when is this goin' to wear off?”
Angel (perplexed): “What do you mean?”
Kevin: “Well, this experience. I'm dead am I? This is a hallucinaition, right?”
Angel: “Yes and no, Kevin, you have passed into the spirit world. I am here to welcome you.”
Kevin: “This cain't be. You are a farkin hallucinaition.”
Angel: “If you think so, why do you ask me questions?”
Kevin: “Good point. But, what's it with the wings? I don't believe in angels. I'm not even a farkin Christian.”
Angel: “Well, let me check the list. It says here: Kevin Solway, born 1961 in Guernsey, Christian. We always send angels when they say 'Christian'.”
Kevin: “Ah, forget about it. This cain't be.”
Angel: “There is somebody else here to see you.”
A second luminous figure appears. At first it doesn't have any distinguishable features. When the figure comes closer, Kevin sees a mustache. A really big mustache.
Kevin: “What the fark... Nietzsche? Is he fair dinkum?”
Nietzsche (makes a dramatic gesture): “Behold dear friend, and let not the appearances cloud your reason. Did I not teach eternal recurrence?”
Kevin: “Yes, but what hais this to do with... am I dreaming?”
Nietzsche: “No, you are not. Zis is the world of spirits. I didn't get zat kwite right in my books either. Don't let it confuse you.”
Kevin: “I'm gobsmacked.”
Nietzsche: “Ha, Kinkerlitz. Do you know who velcomed me here ven I checked in? God himself. And do you know vat he zaid? He zaid: 'Guess who's dead now, Friedrich?' It vas such an embarrassment.”
Kevin: “Don't gimme the raw prawn! You spoke to God? What is he like?”
Nietzsche: “I must tell you, zis is something else I didn't get kwite right. God is love. I vish I could edit my books. I zink I published prematurely.”
Kevin: “Ah but love is an illusion. Love is opiate. So you were right after all.”
Nietzsche: “I didn't say that. Karl said zat.”
Kevin: “Karl Marx? He is here, too?”
Nietzsche (grinning): “No, Karl is not here. Ze old one send him back. Zaid he got some karma to work on.”
Kevin: “This cain't be, mate. Hais everyone gone troppo here?”
A male voice in the background: “Don't worry about Karl. He is doing fine.”
The voice comes closer: “He is in his fourth proletarian incarnation right now. Works in a factory in Guangzhou.”
Suddenly a figure materialises with a loud “pop” right in front of Kevin. It's Jesus.
Jesus: “Gotcha!”
Kevin: “Jesus Christ!”
Jesus: “At your service.”
Kevin: “Oh my...”
Jesus: “God? No, you're confusing me with someone else.”
Kevin: “I know, but I thought you were different.”
Jesus: “Oh wait wait...” (transforms himself into a bearded sage in white robes). “Like this?”
Kevin: “Yeah. That's more Jesus-like.”
Jesus: “Kevin, you have a square taste. That's so bourgois. Hey, look at this. You will probably like this...”
A body of water materialises under Jesus feet and Jesus starts tap-dancing on its surface. After a while, a thundering voice from above proclaims: “That is not necessary.” The water suddenly disappears and Jesus stumbles.
Jesus: “Oops. Father doesn't like me doing that. Too many Bible references that people don't buy.”
Kevin: “What's it with you and God?”
Jesus: “Oh, I am a gnostic.”
Kevin: “Agnostic? Are you telling me croc, mate?”
Jesus: “No, I mean a gnostic. Read my lips. A gnostic. Like in gnosticism.”
Kevin: “Oh. But I thought gnosticism is dead.”
Jesus: “Yeah, thanks to Paul. He screwed it up. He and the Roman church.”
Kevin: “Sorry to hear that things didn't work out.”
Jesus: “I revolutionised gnosticism. I created a synthesis with Judaism. I got rid of dualism. It made perfect sense. And then comes Paul with his rubbish.” (shakes his fist)
Kevin: “You know, I never bought into that.”
Jesus: “Good on you, my friend.” - turns his head around- “Oh wait, someone else is coming.”
Jesus (whispers into Nietzsche's ear): “I'd be gone if I were you.”
A female figure materialises from a reddish-pink cloud of energy.
Kevin (astonished): “Judith?”
Judith (turns to Nietzsche): “What are you still doing here, jerk? Haven't you whipped enough women for one lifetime? Get lost!”
Nietzsche (dissolving): “I must go now, my friend. We shall meet again.”
Judith (resolute): “Step forward. This is between you and me.”
Kevin: “Why are you raising your arm?”
Judith (slaps Kevin): “That's for leaving me and going to Australia.”
Kevin (holding his cheek): “But Judith, why so cranky, let me explain...”
Judith (slaps Kevin again): “And that's for what you wrote about women.”
Kevin: “Enough.”
Jesus (exited): “Kevin, you are doing great. Do not resist. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if someone wants to take your tunic..”
Kevin (clasping his garment): “Enough, she is not getting my tunic!”
Judith: “Oh really? Let's see about that.” (evil grin)
Jesus: “Judith, remember what the sages told you?”
Judith: “Alright, alright. Control my anger. I am one with the universe.”
Kevin: “You have sages around here?”
Jesus: “Sure thing, Kevin. Want to meet them?”
Kevin: “Ah yes, that would be bonzer.”
Jesus: “Anyone in particular?”
Kevin: “Well, err... the Buddha, Hakuin, Bodhi...”
Jesus: “The Eastern lads? Alrighty. They are all over in Tushita. Did you get a visa?”
Kevin (perplexed): “A visa?”
Jesus: “Yes, you need a visa for Tushita. Depends on your karmic points, you know. They are pretty strict at Tushita immigration. Did you do your life review yet?”
Kevin: “Is that karma thing for real?”
Jesus: “Oh boy, you didn't get the visa, did you?”
Judith (hissing): “He wouldn't even get a visa for hell.”
Jesus (whispering): “Don't worry about her. It's not true. Everyone gets a free entry stamp at the hell gates. They are trying to increase tourism, you know.”
Kevin: “Fark! This is not a hallucinaition, is it? It's not wearing off.”
Jesus: “Still confused, Kevin? Come on, let's do your life review.”
Kevin: “Ah yes. Let's have a Captain Cook.”
Jesus: “What has the captain got to do with it?”
Kevin: “I mean let's have a look. You don't get too many people from down-under here, do you?”
Jesus: “From where?”
Kevin “Forget it, mate.”
Jesus and Kevin begin to float towards the intercelestial expressway. As they move downwards, Judith uses her anger to create a thought form. The thought form materialises into a little black cloud that follows Kevin.
Judith: “See you next life, dork!”
Kevin (staring at the little black cloud above his head): “Should I be worried about that?”
Jesus: “Oh my... (pause), I mean...., no, that's nothing to worry about.”
Kevin: “I have the feeling you are not straightforward about this.”
Jesus: “Look Kevin, I am Jesus Christ, your Saviour. You can trust me. Just don't mention her name.”
Kevin: “Judith's name?”
A tiny flash of lightning strikes Kevin from the cloud. The cloud rumbles.
Kevin: “Ouch.”
Jesus (upset): “What did I just tell you?”
Kevin (exclaims with smoke coming from his head): “How am I supposed to know? I am a highly logical thinker, and this is all very illogical.”
Jesus: “Now look, you have to trust me here. You are still in the astral world. Thought forms can materialise easily. - I'm afraid you lost some facial hair. - Come, let's move on.”
As they enter the intercelestial expressway, their energy bodies accelerate. Countless souls travel on the expressway. The light that emanates from them causes the spacetime fabric to glow and produce a kaleidoscopic display of colours. Meanwhile, the little black cloud has become stationary above Kevin's head.
Kevin: “Can we do anything about that?” (points to the cloud)
Jesus: “Yes, you can. This is what we call a female fury form. You can dissolve it with your will.”
Kevin knits his brows and with all his might he imagines himself being Schopenhauer commanding the cloud to disappear.
Kevin: “By the power of my will, I banish you from my life, evil cloud.”
Jesus (chuckles): “It doesn't work that way.”
Kevin: “I command you to...”
Jesus: “You have to send it loving kindness. Recite poetry. Be warm and gentle.”
Kevin (shoulders sinking): “Fark! I rather keep it.”
Jesus: “Don't worry. It will go away after some time. The loving energy from your female side will eventually dissolve it.”
Kevin: “Nuts! I have a feeling this will be permanent.”
Jesus: “Don't be gloomy, Kevin. We are getting off here to do your life review.”
As Kevin and Jesus decelerate, the space around them takes on a blue colour almost like the sky on earth. A large metallic structure comes into view.
Jesus: “Check it out, Kevin. This is the Memorax 3550. It was just installed last month.”
Jesus walks around the machine which is about as large as a one-storey home. The machine appears to glow with a sparkling purple energy.
Jesus (pointing to different parts of the machine): “Retrospective neural coupling, quadruple ionised plasma display, parallel past life processing, high-speed akashic database access, self-adapting mental renderer, emotion amplifier, holographic karma visualizer...”
Kevin: “Alright, alright, what it that all good for?”
Jesus: “Well, it's an intra-mental cinematic life reviewer. Our customers love it. Try it out, take a ride.” (makes an inviting gesture)
Kevin enters a semi-transparent cabin at the front of the machine. The cabin faces several glass-like displays. He sits down. Nothing happens. He waits for another minute. Still nothing happens.
Kevin: “Is it broken?”
Jesus: “You have to insert a coin.”
Kevin retrieves a coin from his tunic and forces it down the silver slit. The purple glow around the machine suddenly turns into a bright yellow and the glass monitors come to life. They show scenes from Kevin's birth. Different monitors show the same event from different perspectives, including the doctor's perspective, the nurse's perspective, and Kevin's own perspective. A seemingly endless stream of images, perceptions, and feelings begins to enter Kevin's mind.
In the meantime Jesus waits outside, quietly meditating. After what seems a small eternity, a ruffled Kevin emerges from the cabin. The machine reverts back to a steady purple glow.
Jesus (excited): “How was it?”
Kevin: “Oh it was... errr..., it was...”
Jesus: “Are you overwhelmed?”
Kevin: “Over..? No, not really. It was... err... I didn't get it all.”
Jesus: “Too much for you?”
Kevin: “No, I kind of dozed off during my early teens. Didn't catch the rest.”
Jesus (gasping): “You did what?”
Kevin: “It got boring. The images kept repeating. I felt sleepy.”
Jesus: “I can't believe you missed your life review! Was your life that boring?”
Kevin: “I don't know. I just...”
Jesus: “So you dozed off... The last time this happened was 1843 B.C. when Arumnat checked in from Egypt. He was the feline caretaker under pharaoh Senusret. He spent all of his life brushing the pharaoh's cats fur.”
Kevin: “What hais this to do with me?”
Jesus: “Did you get at least your life mission evaluation?”
Kevin: “Ah yes, my life mission was to promote logical masculine thinking among mankind.”
Jesus: “Let me check the Memorax output.” (he retrieves a metallic hologram from the machine and reads it.)
Jesus: “That was not your mission.”
Kevin: “It was not?”
Jesus: “No, you life mission was to write ten million words to practice orthography and grammar.”
Kevin: “Say what?”
Jesus: “It was a preparation training for one of your future lives as a cookbook editor. Though I can now understand why you got tired in the Memorax.”
Kevin: “No, this cain't be. I'm not a farkin cookbook editor. I'm a philosopher. A thinker.”
Jesus: “I know how you feel, Kevin. You've been programmed to think you are a thinker. Otherwise you wouldn't have practised writing. You need to follow me to the deprogramming centre.”
Kevin (defiant): “But I don't want to write cookbooks.”
Jesus: “Take it easy. You will make great merit in that life. You will touch the lives of millions of housewives. They will love you. You will become the leading author on Béchamel and Velouté sauces.”
Kevin: “That sounds mighty depressing, mate.”
Jesus: “You did very well, Kevin! In fact, you exceeded expectations by writing almost eleven million words. You didn't fulfill the other mission, however.”
Kevin: “What other mission?”
Jesus: “To marry Judith. It explains that little black cloud over your head, doesn't it?” (smiles)