Non-attachment

[Voein]

First off I would like to say that this is an amazing site that has changed my life considerably and I thank the man who created it.

Now on to the sauce, I have been studying buddhism and have applied many of its concepts to my life with amazing results. However I sometimes come in conflict with things such as friends or family asking me if I missed them (I try my best to never lie no matter what) and I try to explain how I dont but it always feels like im being inconsiderate of other peoples emotions and yet truthful of mine causing a sort of conflict within myself and to those around me. What do you think?

P.S.

My name is Serge by the way and im pleased to meet you.

[Smurf]

G'day Surge, how's it going?

interesting position, I don't get what you mean by "missing them"?

But I think that being truthful all the time is a good thing, I think that we need more people like that in the world

But the truth hurts, so yeah? :P

[scameter]

I think balance, peace of emotions, and happiness are more important than detachment, as indeed they are the goals of detachment.

[sonrisa]

Hi Serge, & welcome to TBV. For the most part I think that honesty is the best policy. Otoh, I don't think you should deliberately hurt other people's feelings either. I think you should tell your friends & family you miss them even if you don't. Let me ask you a question, do you love them? Letting them think you miss them is a way of reassuring them that you love them.

[schrodinger]

Serge: I have been studying buddhism and have applied many of its concepts to my life with amazing results. However I sometimes come in conflict with things such as friends or family asking me if I missed them

This will resolve itself when you also attain detachment from “self”. Sometimes, when all forms melt away during Dhamma, the self still remains, and a person seems to be detached from others but self-centered. This is resolved when the self also melts away. In this state there can be no possible conflict.



:mellow:

[sahyo]

This will resolve itself when you also attain detachment from “self”.


no one to "attain detachment from “self”"

[Voein]

Let me ask you a question, do you love them?

I dont neccesarily believe in love, I respect everyone around me and do everything I can to ensure harmony and peace with them, however i do it of free will and dont belive my emotions are overpowering my logic to do it. So when somebody asks me if I love them, how can I answer if I dont even know what love is?

[sonrisa]

you don't have a girlfriend do you?

seriously, what you feel for your family, you don't think of that as love? I'm assuming you have good positive feelings for them. Most people, unless they don't get along with their families & have definite feelings of dislike for a given familiy member(s) would say they love their families.

Schrodinger-- This will resolve itself when you also attain detachment from "self". Sometimes, when all forms melt away during Dhamma, the self still remains, and a person seems to be detached from others but self-centered. This is resolved when the self also melts away. In this state there can be no possible conflict.

-- so it's a Cheshire cat then :D:

[Voein]

Actually I just broke up with one, which is kind of the reason for this question. And yes I do have very positive feelings towards my family and pretty much anyone I meet, but I dont know if I could call it love.

[scameter]

But how can you not, if you do not believe in love? I think love is an intuitional thing; it's not something thought about and achieved through action and effort. It is received, and felt emotionally. And once you feel it, you will know what it is. Just like fear. You do not question that fear exists; no one does. When we feel fear, we know that it is indeed fear, and that that feeling called fear exists as we usually consider the word fear to be applied to the emotion. Love is the same; but, it tends to be more prolonged than fear, and thus is more open to thought and consideration, unfortunately. I think love is felt intuitionally, and should remain felt, not thought about. If one stops loving another, they will know it; they should not have to think of reasons to love or to not love them. They will simply know. I love my father. But I do not love my mother; because she has never loved me, ever. When I was 5, I remember asking my father why my mother didn't love me. I have tried to love her; but it is nearly impossible to love a family member that does not love you. I think parents to their children can, but not the opposite, or between family members not in the parent to child relationship. If you love your family, feel it; you will know it. If not, then you will also know that, if indeed that be the case.

[Smurf]

no one to "attain detachment from “self”"


:lol:

Paradox?

[sonrisa]

that is a lovely post, Scam. While you are correct that love is something you feel & not something to think about- or perhaps more accurately not something you analyze- I believe there is a general criteria of feelings that make up love. For instrance the desire to see the other person happy, concern for their well being- when things are going good for them, we are happy for them, if things aren't going so good, or they get sick, we are concerned. We feel for & with them. We care about their opinions & what they think. We do not want to see them hurt mentally- when somebody hurts their feelings we get angry at that person.

I believe that is the crux of the matter, Serge. Do you want to deliberately hurt your family's feelings? If not, when they ask if you miss them, just gild the lily & tell them you do. Perhaps you will miss them one day. I never missed my Dad until he passed. Now a day don't go by that I don't think about him & wish he was still here.

[scameter]

I believe there is a general criteria of feelings that make up love.

Yes, love can be defined and described, as can most other things; but, love is too ephemeral to be defined with much absolutism and definitude. A definition of it should not be expected to represent the criterian to which someone's feelings are entirely judged.

[sahyo]

:lol:

Paradox?



hehehe

no

[buzzlightyear1982]

"I believe there is a general criteria of feelings that make up love"

Don't fool yourdelf...love is an chemical reaction created by the right mood, music, or touch of the hand. Just like every other 'human' emotion it comes and goes as it pleases B)

[Smurf]

But love can be controlled B)

[buzzlightyear1982]

"But love can be controlled"

Interesting statement...how is this possible <_<

[TruthSeeker]

Hello Serge,

Now on to the sauce, I have been studying buddhism and have applied many of its concepts to my life with amazing results. However I sometimes come in conflict with things such as friends or family asking me if I missed them (I try my best to never lie no matter what) and I try to explain how I dont but it always feels like im being inconsiderate of other peoples emotions and yet truthful of mine causing a sort of conflict within myself and to those around me. What do you think?
I have the same problem. My wife often tells me how I seem "emotionless". Well, the way I handle this is very simple: I gain control over my detachment. I trained myself to turn my detachment on when I need some peace and turn it off when I'm talking to someone or doing a project that requires lots of passion. It's tricky, but it is balanced and harmonious...

I hope that helps... :)

[Smurf]

:o Are you back Psyche!!

Interesting statement...how is this possible

Well, it is a feeling or emotion, with enough willpower I believe it to be possible

[sonrisa]

well I missed you Psyche. TBV just wasn't the same. Glad your back :)

ps, nothin gets by u, duz it Smurfie?
:D

[Smurf]

:D :P

[buzzlightyear1982]

"Well, it is a feeling or emotion, with enough willpower I believe it to be possible"

So what would you say to those who are emotionally shut down? to those who have found no use for emotion at any level of their lives. Who find it easier just to live life without caring about anything or anyone B)

[scameter]

I disagree with your post at the end of the previous page buzz. I think we overestimate what we know as electrochemical reactions in our brain. I'm sure scientists would disagree, which is fine; most people in a religion disagree with what counters their beliefs. But, I think that our physical body, including our physical brain, is moved choicefully by our spirit, which is outside but attached to our individual body. I think the brain is simply the main area where thought and reactive activity takes place; when scientists see part of the brain "lighting up" from some stimulus, they are correct; the brain is acting based on either physical or spiritual stimulus. The body does not move on it's own; there are always either physical causes, such as eating a food causes your body to react to that stimulus, or spiritual causes, such as thoughts and beliefs. The chemical reaction of love that we see in the brain is the reaction of the physical brain to both external physical and internal physical neural stimula, but it is also the action of our spirit to move and use the body, particularly the brain. This is why, as the Dalai Lama once said, a scientist cannot open our brain and when we are asleep, see a dream going on within it. The dream is there and is occuring in the subconscious area of our brain, but the dream it's self is subjectively experienced by our spirit, and thus we can see it mentally/spiritually, to ourselves, but they cannot objectively see the dream from looking at the physical brain. If this makes sense.

And, about detachment, I think it is overrated. I think people do not take it to it's full conclusion. When we care for other people and for external things, we continue to do so because doing so subjectively pleases us. When I donate to a charity, it makes me feel good, so I do it and continue to when I can. To others, say corrupt businessmen, they do not give to charities because it does not make them feel good, because they do not care about it or the charity's effects. How can one be detached and still care about others? Detachment, I think, would be the ultimate trust in logic; if so, caring is not logical. Nor are many other things, such as artistic and scientific expression.

[Smurf]

So what would you say to those who are emotionally shut down? to those who have found no use for emotion at any level of their lives. Who find it easier just to live life without caring about anything or anyone

well that's a different matter actually, I am just speculating on the control of emotions, not whether they are lost or not :P

[buzzlightyear1982]

"well that's a different matter actually, I am just speculating on the control of emotions, not whether they are lost or not"

Can you really 'loose' an emotion? I really didn't mean to imply that you 'loose' an emotion. I believe choose not to use would apply to my post better. Isn't choosing not to use an emotion the same thing as controling an emotion <_<

[Smurf]

Oh yes, well ... yeah
I should have said "lost" I think then :unsure:

It is quite confusing actually

[buzzlightyear1982]

"It is quite confusing actually..."

Most things in life usually are... B)

[scameter]

To us. :)