Needed Help

[Alita]

I am a new member here and I am hoping to get some help on few issues.

I recently learn that I have been unintentionally controlled my love one and this happened for over couple of years now. I realized that I do have a problem but I am having a very hard time to let this bad habit of my go. To me it is like an addition that ingrained in my character. Each time when she did not follow my plan I would step up and demand her to take my side. It got to a point she would do the opposite intentionally and each time it cause me to go on a rage. I am trying to let go of this bad habit but it is hard and would like to hear your thoughts and opinions, if you are not clearn of my problem please do ask and I would like to get it out of my system and to find a way to live a healthier life.

Thank you in advance.

Alita

[Thomas Knierim]

Alita,

I think this type of behavior may be based on the psychological mechanism of projection, but I am not quite sure. Can you name some examples of how you tried to "control" your partner? What sort of control are you talking about and what emotions did you feel?

Cheers, Thomas

[...]

..hello Alita,

I recently learn that I have been unintentionally controlled my love one and this happened for over couple of years now.
..you might have been unaware about doing so, but it was far from unintentional. If you would like to change this behaviour, you have to take full responsability for it. Not knowing why you do some things does not mean you're a victim of circumstance. Thomas already asked you to provide more information, and as you do you will get this issue clearer for yourself. For most, the process of talking leads to understanding...

[Alita]

Thank you for all your input.

As Thomas said, more like projection of myself upon her. In the past I often think for her and she in turn just go along with my plans or my demands, therefore I thoughts it was great that I speak out my opinion and force it upon her as a way that I show my love or my caring for her becauce I believe what i thought is good for me then it should be good for her. As time go by it became a natural reaction for most situation in our relationship.

Recently she came to a conclusion that what she done in the past, allowed me to tell her what to do or think for her, had caused her alot of sadness. She said that she put up with it because she loves me and want to spoil me in such way however she had sacrified her own happiness. Now she does not want to be in such position and want me to learn to controll myself and to be considered of what she wants and what make her happy, all of the points I noted here is emotional issues.

As I mention earlier, I had accustomed to certain way of life with her and now she asks me to change/pointing out my flaws and it was hard for me to accept in the beginning. Since I love her, I just sit and listen with great patient and it slowly make sense to me. I realized how self centered I was and it was not love that I gave her, I am trying to let of this behavior one day at a time and I am learning to be more thoughtfull and supportive of her.

Thank again for all the support

Alita

[abba]

Being a partner in love is a hard job... if you try to do it right. Loving your partner as much as you love yourself is difficult to achieve. After all, "I" am the biggest and best and most important person in the world, and everybody should support "me" - - - at least that is what every person's ego tells him. How can we overcome ego? Thomas and "..." have told you correctly. You must recognize and accept responsibility for yourself and begin to take control of yourself. Talking about the issue with anyone should be helpful.

I have been married since 1960, and engaged 5 years before that. Don't think that ANY issue can sunder your relationship - only you and your loved one have control of your relationship as partners in life. You CAN work out any problem - as long as you work it out together. If you decide your actions need changing, ask your partner to help you - if there are some areas that are more difficult for you, TELL her .... don't go sulking around thinking "this is too difficult, she's too demanding" - talk about it with her.

No relationship is without problems - that's good!!! - it enables you to grow together; which strengthens your relationship. Work through the small problems; life has some very much more difficult ones waiting for you - you'll need to be stronger by then.

[Thomas Knierim]

Alita,

It's good to see that you are making progress with your partner. At least it seems so from what you tell.

Projection is a simple mechanism where the "projector" projects his/her own ideas onto the "projectee". Most often, the projection has a sort of cover-up function for the ego/self. For example, if I project my own negative attitudes or fears onto someone else, this means I see in that person what I don't like to see in myself. But instead of blaming myself, I blame that person, and therefore my own self (ego) is off the hook. I don't have to face the issue; instead I conveniently blame/correct/reject another person. Likewise, the ego is capable of projecting positive attitudes and ideals onto someone else. This means that I see in another person what I (my ego) would like to be. Negative projection is associated with fear, complaining, nagging, aversion, rejection etc.; positive projection is associated with ideals, icons, dreams, fancy, and doting.

The control issue you mentioned doesn't need to be rooted in projection. There is another possibility. It may be a subtle form of anger. The desire to control (myself, others, my environment, the world) is actually synonymous with anger. Some people get angry when they lose control. For example, people get angry when the car engine doesn't start up or when there's a paper jam in the printer, or maybe people get angry if their partner doesn't behave in the expected way. These events constitute (perceived) loss of control. Again, the problem is ego. The self (ego) needs constant affirmation, and one form of affirmation is to exert control on the environment or on close persons. Ego affirmation happens in many different ways and takes different forms. It depends on the person. For example, Enneagram type 8 persons tend to express it in anger and control.

See: http://www.enneagraminstitute.com/

Cheers, Thomas

[sahyo]

re: the link: thomas likes trying defining-labeling-catagorizing?

[WilliamMckeehan]

if you can make a habit you can breake a habit

good luck to you :thumbsup:

[Thomas Knierim]

asheera: re: the link: thomas likes trying defining-labeling-catagorizing?

The Enneagram is a psychological modelling system, so defining-labeling-categorising is the very basis of it. I find it more useful than the traditional methods such as the Jungian types, Myers-Briggs typology, or the Eyseneck test, although these also have their merits. The Enneagram puts more emphasis on personality development; it is a dynamic model. Like the other methods it is merely a tool for understanding, so one should not mistake it for an objective measuring system.

I just stumbled upon it recently, by the way.

Cheers, Thomas

[sahyo]

thomas...

is it not easy trying-analyzing to think-imagine is happening which not?

"stumbled" B)

[Thomas Knierim]

asheera: is it not easy trying-analyzing to think-imagine is happening which not?

It's perfectly natural and easy to me (and probably most other people). Analysing-thinking-imagening-defining-categorising are natural activities of the mind, just like walking, sitting, gazing, grasping are natural activities of the body. "Which is not" is a matter of convention.

Cheers, Thomas

[sahyo]

is it not easy trying-analyzing to think-imagine is happening which not?



"Which is not" is a matter of convention.

said "which is not" ? :)

[sahyo]

It's perfectly natural and easy to me (and probably most other people). Analysing-thinking-imagening-defining-categorising are natural activities of the mind, just like walking, sitting, gazing, grasping are natural activities of the body.

"is it not easy trying-analyzing to think-imagine is happening which not?" wasn't topicing ' natural or not'

cheers

[WilliamMckeehan]

i hope everything worked out :thumbsup: